The Bottom Line

The more I deal with government agencies, the more I realize how trapped we are as a society with the financial bottom line. In trying to find a way to sort out my deteriorating financial situation, I am repeatedly shot down by everyone because on paper I make too much.

To illustrate, I recently applied to a municipal government agency which provides short term loans to pay off rent arrears to those individuals who find themselves behind or in danger of eviction. My situation hasn't gotten that dire yet, I am in no danger of getting thrown out since my landlords seem willing to work with me. But having found myself in a situation where I am living one paycheck ahead of myself in order to pay for all the expenses I have accrued, I thought it wouldn't hurt to apply for this service. I expected to be turned down, and I was not disappointed.

I wrote down all of my income and outgo, and the numbers clearly indicate that the expenses are more than what I make at the moment, and if that weren't enough, I also wrote a 2-page letter describing the circumstances behind this problem, and why I felt that I should be considered for the loan, even in light of the fact that I am slightly over the poverty line, and the fact that I have my daughter to take care of.

Got the call today and naturally, they unilaterally denied me the service based on my income alone. This is the same answer that I have been given by just about every service that I have applied. There is simply no service out there that will assist someone with an income over poverty. They will not take the time to look at the numbers involved or each person's individual situation, they only look at one number and that's all.

I even asked the woman at this agency what a person like me is supposed to do. Clearly, I am not making it, and there are no more resources like theirs that I can ask for help. She had the usual useless suggestions; ask family or friends for help, ask my bank for a loan. I told her that if I could do any of those things, I wouldn't be talking to her. At this point, i heard in the underbelly of her voice that she just wanted to get off the phone, so rather than force the issue (even though I was extremely frustrated) I simply hung up.

So I am back to where I started from; trying to operate on a deficit, and hope that the government money that I have been expecting comes when it is supposed to. Drew is out of daycare at the end of this week, and the last check I wrote them has already bounced. My new sitter that I have hired for the summer at $100 a week is supposed to start next week, and I'm not sure how I'm going to pay her. I've simply run out of money, and I'm writing checks for things that I need, and I haven't the slightest idea how to cover them all. I'm exhausted in thinking about this, and exhausted physically. I have no energy anymore, and the phenomenon is causing me to fall behind on the household chores.

To make matters worse, I tried to do a cleaning blitz yesterday, and I was having one of those days where I should have just stayed in bed, because everything I try and do ends up a disaster. Yesterday, in trying to clean behind my computer desk, I stood up and cracked the left side of my head on my wall shelf, and in recoiling from that, I cracked the other side of my head on the sharp corner of the hutch, and now I have symmetrical goose eggs, and I don't feel so hot, and should probably go get it checked out.

This is not a good place to be.