I Had To Wait.

I've been lamenting the fact that I have been in a rut, and I wanted to get out of it. I knew it sucked and I knew it wasn't getting me anywhere not doing anything about it. So recently I began taking steps to change it and better myself, just in case.

I've been languishing the fact that I've been stuck for so long, and for as long as I've been stuck, I've been waiting. I thought of the bad things that were a part of my life, and weighing them against the good things, but still I waited. The bad things were really bad, but the good things were keeping me going. They were keeping me where I was for some reason that I wasn't really aware.

I always wondered why the situation, as awful as it was, never prompted me to move ahead and attempt to attain those things, but instead to make excuses. The excuses were valid, they weren't copouts, but the real life-altering motivation to surmount those odds was simply not there. They weren't there, because I was still waiting.

I wasn't ready. But now I am. And now I realize what the waiting was all about.

I had to wait because I needed to experience the wait, and I needed to discover how it would change me.

I had to wait because I wasn't prepared to accept that things might change drastically, even if it were for the better.

I had to wait because I was broken for so many reasons, and I needed to be reinvented.

And now that things for me are about to take an incredible and unexpected turn for the better, I realize that I had to wait because I needed all of the people that I know now. The outpour of support and advice and sympathy and offers of help toward my current plight is simply overwhelming, as though I were Jimmy Stewart in the last few minutes of that famous movie. This week, you have all helped me realize something about myself that you knew all along, but that I never really believed, and that is that I CAN DO THIS. This is my time.

And I think the universe now realizes that it is indeed my time, as events are currently conspiring to give me an opportunity to prove just how ready I can be.

Today The Sun Is Shining.

So why aren't I?

Music Matters

So often in my life, I've got through the rough days with music... either listening to it, or in latter days creating it. I can equate every rough spot in my life to a particular song or album that seemed to speak to me at the time, to give me a sense that maybe I wasn't the only one going through cra, and helped me get past it somehow.

It seems this is the next of such times.

Being a child of the eighties, I think that it's important to be able to say that most of my favourite bands are still producing music, and generally good music at that. Three of my top five are still out there doing it, and all three have records coming out in the next few weeks. Erasure, granted, only has yet another greatest hits collection, but it comes with a whole slew of new remixes which is better than nothing.

Depeche Mode's latest offering promises to be one of my new favourites, if the leadoff single is any indication. I've been following their website with baited breath for all the details of the new single, and the video they released was the first glimpse of the sound of the album.

DEPECHE MODE - WRONG



I was immediately struck by this video, first by the images and then by the words. It seems to quite expertly capture just exactly how I've been feeling about myself lately, at least some of the time. I've even used the word to describe my situation, and my general outlook to people, even before I knew this was a track on the album. I told them that everything is just WRONG, how I feel, the choices I've made, and where I'm at in my life.

The more I listen to this, the more I know it's going to be a catalyst for me to get UNwrong. I can't say exactly how, but in the past, hearing your own thoughts echoed by someone else in a song can have a powerful effect on you. You may think, gee, do I really sound like that? Or it may just allow you to outlet it a bit by singing it really loud in your apartment. So far I've listened to this song about 6 times a day since I got it.

Depeche's next album is called Songs Of The Universe, and should be out in the next few weeks.



The album, Yes, should be out next month.

So yeah. Is it just me reading too much into the music I'm listening to, or is there a message there?

Music Matters

So often in my life, I've got through the rough days with music... either listening to it, or in latter days creating it. I can equate every rough spot in my life to a particular song or album that seemed to speak to me at the time, to give me a sense that maybe I wasn't the only one going through crap, and helped me get past it somehow.

It seems this is the next of such times.

Being a child of the eighties, I think that it's important to be able to say that most of my favourite bands are still producing music, and generally good music at that. Three of my top five are still out there doing it, and all three have records coming out in the next few weeks. Erasure, granted, only has yet another greatest hits collection, but it comes with a whole slew of new remixes which is better than nothing.

Depeche Mode's latest offering promises to be one of my new favourites, if the leadoff single is any indication. I've been following their website with baited breath for all the details of the new single, and the video they released was the first glimpse of the sound of the album.

DEPECHE MODE - WRONG



I was immediately struck by this video, first by the images and then by the words. It seems to quite expertly capture just exactly how I've been feeling about myself lately, at least some of the time. I've even used the word to describe my situation, and my general outlook to people, even before I knew this was a track on the album. I told them that everything is just WRONG, how I feel, the choices I've made, and where I'm at in my life.

The more I listen to this, the more I know it's going to be a catalyst for me to get UNwrong. I can't say exactly how, but in the past, hearing your own thoughts echoed by someone else in a song can have a powerful effect on you. You may think, gee, do I really sound like that? Or it may just allow you to outlet it a bit by singing it really loud in your apartment. So far I've listened to this song about 6 times a day since I got it.

Depeche's next album is called Songs Of The Universe, and should be out in the next few weeks.

 

Next, we have Pet Shop Boys, probably my number one. While their first single, Love Etc., doesn't really speak to me in the same way that Wrong does, the first verse in the song follows another theme I've been talking about lately:

Boy it's tough getting on in the world
When the sun doesn't shine and a boy needs a girl
It’s about getting out of a rut, you need luck
But you’re stuck and you don’t know how...

Really, they couldn't have phrased this verse any better to accurately mirror what I've been thinking. I've been talking about being in a rut for some time now, and how I can't get out. You only have to read my last few blog posts to see that. I'm not sure what the whole intention or viewpoint of the song is in the minds of the Pet Shop Boys, but that one verse really reached out and slapped me.

PET SHOP BOYS - LOVE ETC.



The album, Yes, should be out next month.

 

So yeah. Is it just me reading too much into the music I'm listening to, or is there a message there?

Things I Usually Don't Do... But Should.

Close cupboard doors after I'm done in the cupboard. Usually this ends up with me banging my head on the corner of them at some later time.

Floss my teeth. I have sensitive gums already, so I have to use one of those wussy toothbrushes.

Pay close attention to my finances. Or lack thereof.

Eat properly. This is a big one, sicne I seem to be having so many problems with my guts.

Walk enough. I'm too lazy, and I'm addicted to taxis. I really am. This is especially bad when the weather is cold.

Drink enough water. Thank god for Crystal Light, it may actually cure me of this in time. It's Kool-Aid for grownups.

Regularly do laundry, dishes, or generally take care of my place. Probably a big part of why I'm so down lately. I dont feel at home at home and it's difficult to catch up when you're living the life of a bachelor.

Remember anything. I need a personal secretary, or perhaps a truckload of ginkgo biloba. In any case, if I don't write it down, it's gone about thirty seconds after I hear it.

Keep promises to myself. When I think about all thses things that I don't do, I say, dammit i need to start doing them. But I don't for whatever reason. I might get one or two days in there where I go on a self-improvement blitz, but it fizzles after that.

This needs to change.

There are probably a hundred more things I could think of... but I think you get the picture.

Choices + Actions = Your Life.

This is the equation that basically sums up everyone. Your life today is the result of choices you have made and actions you have taken. Lately my choices and actions have been called into question by myself, in trying to figure out how I got in this rut, and what I can do to get out of it.

Don't get me wrong. For the most part I like myself, I like who I am right now. I think I'm a lot better than I used to be. But it's the me that got me to where I am now that I'm wanting to have a bit of a sit down with.

For the last little while, I'd say about five years, I've been complacent about everything, just trying to get through the day however I can, not wanting to rock the boat, lest some more unfortunate things happen to me. It's been a rough decade, I don't think I have to tell anyone I know that. But it's all come to a head now, and I realize, for several reasons, why I can't continue to live this way. I need to make some changes.

Don't worry, I'm not joining the army, getting a sex change, or anything crazy like that.

When I was a teenager, I was having serious anxiety issues and I had to go to a support group to learn how to manage them. They droned on and on and on about cognitive distortions and how they affected you, and what you could do to change them. I tried to grasp the concept but I was a teenager and already predisposed to not listen, ignore adults and authority figures and poo-poo any kind of actual effort. Despite this, I got through the course and made out okay, but basically, after a year, nothing really stuck with me.

Recently, while I was acting as moral support for a friend of mine at one of his alcohol support groups, some of the memories of my group came back to me. And that's when this all started for me most recently.

Basically, I'm stuck in a rut. I hate my job, I live paycheck to paycheck, and something is telling me that I'm not where I'm supposed to be. I don't feel well most of the time, and this manifests itself into all sorts of physical ailments that are really too minor to be considered unusual on their own... but add them together, and I'm starting to to think that this all might be related to this unconscious feeling that things are just wrong for me.

I read an article this evening by someone running a wellness website. I'm not even sure how it came to be in my browser window, but it was about how to tell whether you need to make some life changes. Usually I don't pay any attention to this sort of thing, because I've always regarded it as kind of a bunch of new age crap. But she lists five ways to tell, and I had to admit that all five things applied to me today.

1. Absolutely everything is harder than it should be. Nothing is easy.

This is basically true, but it's mainly because the things I really want now are not small and i've allowed myself to be in a position where I cannot acheive them without help.

2. You feel like you’re constantly ending up in the same situation.

Also true. I can't change what I want to change because of the barriers in front of me, so it's hard for me to ever leave where I'm at.

3. You lack joy, you’re tired, you have no enthusiasm.

She also mentions feelings of being trapped and hopelessness. This is more or less true, although certain aspects of my life bring me some periodic release.

4. You worry about everything.

Oh yes. But that's always been true.

5. Life just feels like it is a constant struggle.

She mentions going through the motions just to get through the day. I dunno if it's a constant struggle, but it's certainly not easy, at least not for me.

So that's five for five. I keep going over it and over it in my mind and trying to pinpoint exactly where I went wrong, but it could be so many different places, that I have to question the whole process. Isn't it more important to try and fix it and move on?

This is what needs to be done. I just have no idea how to do it. I've spent a lifetime being wishy washy about things that should have been important to me and now I fully realize the folly of that. I'm 36 years old, and I'm still trying to decide what I want to be when I grow up. This is no place for anyone to be.

I'm working toward an exponentially increasing level of motivation, but already I've encountered blockades. Today I was looking into an online course that I've wanted to take for several years, but it was too expensive for me at the time. Today when I looked, it hadn't got any more affordable. The cheapest course provider I could find was just over three grand, and I certainly don't have anything like that saved, in fact I'm about that much in debt right now.

And this is how my past self has screwed me over. I haven't been able or willing to build a savings account, so that's out. I can't get a student loan because I defaulted on my one and only loan in 1992, and now they wont touch me. I can't get a loan from the bank for the same reason. I do have an insurance annuity with about $15000 still in it, but it pays out monthly and it's locked in until 2013 and there's nothing else at all I can do with it. It's not even useful to borrow against, I've discovered.

Trying to keep an open and optimistic mind, as per the new me, I keep telling myself that this can still be done, but it will just take longer and more work. But it's frustrating because I want it now, and I want forward movement now. I guess that's where these cognitive behaviour therapy stuff comes in huh?

I'm a nice guy. People like me. These are great things to have and I'm glad to have them, but that only gets you so far in life, it seems. The rest you have to do yourself. I have a lot of friends and people who love me, and I also have my beautiful daughter. I think I owe it to them as much as myself to be the best person I can be, and I really don't think I'm doing that right now. So that's what I want, that's what I want to work towards. Now if I can just figure out how...