Choices + Actions = Your Life.

This is the equation that basically sums up everyone. Your life today is the result of choices you have made and actions you have taken. Lately my choices and actions have been called into question by myself, in trying to figure out how I got in this rut, and what I can do to get out of it.

Don't get me wrong. For the most part I like myself, I like who I am right now. I think I'm a lot better than I used to be. But it's the me that got me to where I am now that I'm wanting to have a bit of a sit down with.

For the last little while, I'd say about five years, I've been complacent about everything, just trying to get through the day however I can, not wanting to rock the boat, lest some more unfortunate things happen to me. It's been a rough decade, I don't think I have to tell anyone I know that. But it's all come to a head now, and I realize, for several reasons, why I can't continue to live this way. I need to make some changes.

Don't worry, I'm not joining the army, getting a sex change, or anything crazy like that.

When I was a teenager, I was having serious anxiety issues and I had to go to a support group to learn how to manage them. They droned on and on and on about cognitive distortions and how they affected you, and what you could do to change them. I tried to grasp the concept but I was a teenager and already predisposed to not listen, ignore adults and authority figures and poo-poo any kind of actual effort. Despite this, I got through the course and made out okay, but basically, after a year, nothing really stuck with me.

Recently, while I was acting as moral support for a friend of mine at one of his alcohol support groups, some of the memories of my group came back to me. And that's when this all started for me most recently.

Basically, I'm stuck in a rut. I hate my job, I live paycheck to paycheck, and something is telling me that I'm not where I'm supposed to be. I don't feel well most of the time, and this manifests itself into all sorts of physical ailments that are really too minor to be considered unusual on their own... but add them together, and I'm starting to to think that this all might be related to this unconscious feeling that things are just wrong for me.

I read an article this evening by someone running a wellness website. I'm not even sure how it came to be in my browser window, but it was about how to tell whether you need to make some life changes. Usually I don't pay any attention to this sort of thing, because I've always regarded it as kind of a bunch of new age crap. But she lists five ways to tell, and I had to admit that all five things applied to me today.

1. Absolutely everything is harder than it should be. Nothing is easy.

This is basically true, but it's mainly because the things I really want now are not small and i've allowed myself to be in a position where I cannot acheive them without help.

2. You feel like you’re constantly ending up in the same situation.

Also true. I can't change what I want to change because of the barriers in front of me, so it's hard for me to ever leave where I'm at.

3. You lack joy, you’re tired, you have no enthusiasm.

She also mentions feelings of being trapped and hopelessness. This is more or less true, although certain aspects of my life bring me some periodic release.

4. You worry about everything.

Oh yes. But that's always been true.

5. Life just feels like it is a constant struggle.

She mentions going through the motions just to get through the day. I dunno if it's a constant struggle, but it's certainly not easy, at least not for me.

So that's five for five. I keep going over it and over it in my mind and trying to pinpoint exactly where I went wrong, but it could be so many different places, that I have to question the whole process. Isn't it more important to try and fix it and move on?

This is what needs to be done. I just have no idea how to do it. I've spent a lifetime being wishy washy about things that should have been important to me and now I fully realize the folly of that. I'm 36 years old, and I'm still trying to decide what I want to be when I grow up. This is no place for anyone to be.

I'm working toward an exponentially increasing level of motivation, but already I've encountered blockades. Today I was looking into an online course that I've wanted to take for several years, but it was too expensive for me at the time. Today when I looked, it hadn't got any more affordable. The cheapest course provider I could find was just over three grand, and I certainly don't have anything like that saved, in fact I'm about that much in debt right now.

And this is how my past self has screwed me over. I haven't been able or willing to build a savings account, so that's out. I can't get a student loan because I defaulted on my one and only loan in 1992, and now they wont touch me. I can't get a loan from the bank for the same reason. I do have an insurance annuity with about $15000 still in it, but it pays out monthly and it's locked in until 2013 and there's nothing else at all I can do with it. It's not even useful to borrow against, I've discovered.

Trying to keep an open and optimistic mind, as per the new me, I keep telling myself that this can still be done, but it will just take longer and more work. But it's frustrating because I want it now, and I want forward movement now. I guess that's where these cognitive behaviour therapy stuff comes in huh?

I'm a nice guy. People like me. These are great things to have and I'm glad to have them, but that only gets you so far in life, it seems. The rest you have to do yourself. I have a lot of friends and people who love me, and I also have my beautiful daughter. I think I owe it to them as much as myself to be the best person I can be, and I really don't think I'm doing that right now. So that's what I want, that's what I want to work towards. Now if I can just figure out how...